Insanity
by mholub00
Summary: The rest of the team are introduced to one of "those" secrets as Natasha's troubled past makes a reappearance. (Three Part-er)
1. Part I

It is days like this that lead me to believe I've finally lost it.

I wake up with a newly relocated knee and no immediate memory of what happened except red shapes and pain and cave walls. The sky is as dark as it gets in New York, city lights blinding me through closed shades and it's either too early or too late for anyone to care about being awake and someone needs to just turn off the lights.

The lounge is where I find myself, sitting on a couch that is sucking me into its depths. The television is on, but at the same time it's not. The screen is black, but I can hear them. I can hear the news casters, though its not midnight where they are. It's afternoon and there's rubble and dust.

"The Avengers," they are saying, three people at once. "That's what they call themselves, and they saved the world today."

We are the Avengers. But no, that can't be right because we saved the world in the summer. Or is it summer now?

The channel changes and two men are whispering in my ear.

"It's time," they repeat. "It's time, it's time, it's time." Over and over in my head.

"Superheroes in New York?" says a man. His voice is slow and deep. I'm not a superhero. I'm murderer.

But something of that makes sense. Am I in New York? The light outside gets brighter like a sunrise but the News says its night now.

"It's time," the men say in perfect synchronization and their mouths are locked in full toothed smiles and they don't blink. Red blood drips from their lips. Red, red, red until it consumes the world. "It's time, it's time, it's time."

My eyes are closed so tight it hurts but the TV is still on. A man in a grey suit without eyes opens his mouth. "It's time," he says but it's not his voice.

The world erupts in fire and it is hot and I can't breathe. A white coat over a body walks from the flames. He has a face, but not much and a mask conceals part, looking at me as if I've become an insect. Am I an insect? I don't remember becoming a bug and I think I'm human but I can't see my hands.

"Don't worry, Little Natalia," he says with a smile and no teeth. "You won't remember this at all."

Something sharp pokes my side and it doesn't hurt. But it's poking my back and side and legs and head and arms all at once, a thousand tiny knives tearing me apart. The fire glows brighter and it reflects in his goggles.

"You won't remember," he repeats. "It's time."

And the TV is too loud and the lights are too bright and the fire is too hot and the knives are too sharp and I cover my ears. Someone is screaming and I think it might be me, but the man is laughing while the News repeats "it's time, its time."

None of them have faces anymore.

_Doors open all along the various floors of Avengers tower, men groggy with sleep standing pajama clad in the hallway._

_"Tony, what is that?" Pepper asks from the bed, sitting up. She is afraid.__  
__He looks from the ceiling to her and back in the direction of the noise. "Stay here," he says before he runs._

_Steve is standing in the entrance to the lounge when Tony arrives, but he isn't moving. Tony is about to ask what's wrong, covering his ears because of the screaming, when he sees for himself._

_"Oh God," he says, lowering his hands and freezing._

_She sits on the couch with her hands over her ears and eyes closed tight, knees pulled to her chest as if trying to protect herself from something. Red runs down her arm and the two men realize its blood and its covering her fingers. And she screams._

_Tony is about to ask of someone has called Clint when a door behind them bangs open, the force leaving a dent in the wall. He runs toward them and through them and slows to a stop when he sees her._

_"Shit," he says. "Shit, shit, shit." He walks slowly to her. "Tasha," he says. "Tasha you have to fight it." The panic in his voice radiates terror throughout the room. Because if Clint is scared, Steve and Tony have no doubt that whatever is happening is bad._

_Bruce has joined Steve and Tony at the doorway and he winces at the sounds. They all three watch as Clint sits and pulls the screaming woman onto his lap, rocking back and forth while he holds her. He stares straight ahead and rocks and mumbles._

_"It's okay Tasha," he says. "Everything's okay. I'm here. I'm here and you're safe."__  
__When she stops screaming, she cries. Her form relaxes and her arms drop from her ears. Clint catches her hand in his and stares at her arm._

_"Can one of you get a wet towel?" He asks in the direction of the doorway. Bruce is the one who responds, walking hurriedly into the kitchen and reappearing with a watered down cloth. Clint begins to wash off the blood, revealing claw like gashes along her pale forearm. He continues to whisper in her ear._

_Tony can see the scars, the scars that say this has happened before. But he can't move, can do nothing but watch the two of them in complete horror._

_"Do...do you need anything else?" Steve whispers._

_Clint shakes his head and holds Natasha tighter to him, continuing to whisper in her ear, "You're safe, Tasha. They can't hurt you here."_

_The three men are silent and the fear between them is so thick it could be cut with a knife._


	2. Part II

He's there when I open my eyes, the faceless man in grey, but only for a second. The clouds clear up and he turns into Clint, Clint with that look on his face that he gets when I'm lying in a hospital bed. But I'm not in a hospital bed, I'm in mine, and the lights are out and it's quiet.

White bandages are wrapped tightly around my arm and my stomach drops because I know what that means. It means it happened again.

"Clint," I whisper because my voice is hoarse and I feel like crying so I close my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I know," he says and I can feel the tired sadness in his voice all around me.

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"No." He sighs. "But you owe some people an explanation." I nod.

_I'm sorry Tasha. _That worried look is back in his eyes, the one I hate so much.

My hair flies in my face as I shake my head. _You have nothing to be sorry for._

_But I am because this happens to you and I can't stop it. _He holds my hand and squeezes it.

I sit up slowly, ignoring the pounding in my head and pain in my knee. He doesn't say anything but keeps hold of my hand and I don't instigate conversation. We both know this is bad because I thought they had stopped; which is true, because before now they had.

The thought of what could have happened if he hadn't been there sends a shiver down my spine.

_Bruce sits at the kitchen table, attempting to focus on the newspaper in front of him. It's hard though, with the whispering coming from the other end of the table. He is the least bothered by the events of the morning. He understands what it is like to have no control._

"_Have you seen this?" Tony says, pointing to something on the tablet. _

_Steve looks around nervously. "Tony, we shouldn't be doing this. This is classified information."_

"_If it was really classified, SHIELD would have made it harder to access," is his response._

"_They _did_ make it hard to access!"_

"_Well, obviously not hard enough." He scrolls down the page, his eyes growing wider. "What year did she join SHIELD? 2000?"_

"_Tony…"_

"_I think it's 2000. Do you know how many times she was registered for therapy when she first joined? There has to be records for at least –"_

"_137." Comes a voice from across the room. All three men look up at the redhead leaning casually against the door frame. She walks slowly towards them but stops at the entrance to the kitchen, standing against the wall. "137 sessions for the first two years I worked there. There are several videos, if you would like to watch them. Don't let me stop you."_

_Tony looks at her for a second before nodding slightly and selecting one of the video files. Steve looks pointedly away from the screen as it starts, revealing several small machines in a white room with bright lights. It looks like an asylum cell, Tony notices. There's a bed along one wall with unbuckled restraints. A doctor stands near a corner, whispering something. He moves away and stands in front of one of the machine. The only indication that someone else is in the room is head of red curls, a girl who has tucked herself into a ball in the same corner. The doctor leaves the machine with something in his hand and returns to the corner._

"_Get away!" the girl shrieks._

"_Miss Romanoff, I'm trying to help you."_

"_No! Don't touch me!" she screams._

"_Sir, this is never going to work," comes a voice from off the screen. Steve looks down at the screen as he recognizes Clint's voice and Bruce looks at Natasha, who is staring at the ceiling._

"_Please explain why you think this, Agent Barton," Director Fury says._

"_This is exactly the same thing she was trying to escape from when we found her. She's not going to cooperate if she thinks she's still in danger. She'll snap and kill someone before we get anything out of her," Clint replies. _

_There's a minute when nothing happens except for the girl's continued screaming. A door opens in the room and the black jacketed figure that enters dismisses the doctor. He sits down against the wall next to the girl, takes off his jacket and wraps it around her shoulders. She lifts her head and stares at him._

"_You're safe here," Clint says._

"_Please. Don't let them hurt me," the girl whispers. She sounds scared and vulnerable and innocent._

"_I won't. Promise."_

_The screen goes black and Tony looks at Natasha. He wishes now that he hadn't watched the video, mentally cursing his curiosity. "Is that what happened this morning?"_

_Natasha shakes her head. "No. What happened this morning is worse. It's like a panic attack- relapse, Clint calls it."_

"_Relapse to what?"_

"_I don't know exactly. Something from the Red Room, back in Russia; the same thing that 137 therapy sessions were used to pull me out of."_

"_What's the Re –" Steve kicks Tony under the table to keep him from prying too far. He can tell this isn't something she wants to be talking about. "I mean, does it happen a lot?"_

"_It did at first, but this is the first time in three years."_

"_Is SHIELD doing anything to help you?"_

_He's met with silence that couldn't tell him more obviously that this is one of _those_ secrets; that Director Fury is the last person who will ever know._


	3. Part III

Tony has that look on his face that says he wants nothing more than to bombard me with questions. Uncomfortable questions and I don't want to answer them, but I hold my tongue and keep my head high.

"Did you ever kill anyone?" He sounds like an excited child, as if I'm his latest test subject or experiment or project. I notice the hint of nervousness at the edge of his voice, like he's trying not to pry too much but can't help it.

Are they scared of me? Is the only reason they didn't run from the room when I walked in that they think the three of them could take me if I got out of control?

"Yes but only once."

He's silent for a second, playing that over in his mind. I don't think he understands how lucky he was that he stayed back. "What's it like?"

"It's –" I have to think about it. I never remember much afterwards of what actually happens except complete terror and often pain. "It's like you're falling but you know you aren't going to wake up before you hit the ground and there's nothing you can do but wait. It feels real. And the voices whisper in your head but they don't make sense."

His mouth opens to ask more but Steve abruptly stands from the table, signaling that this conversation is over. He walks over to me and places a firm hand on my shoulder and I have to remind myself he's not trying to hurt me. "I know what it's like to have a troubled past," he says. "Thank you for telling us." He gives me a small smile as he walks off.

Bruce leaves next, slowly folding up his paper and giving me a nod. I watch his back until it's out of sight before turning to Tony, who remains at the head of the table. His eyes are focused on me like an examination.

"So," is all he says.

"You can't tell anyone. I don't care what _you_ do, but no one at SHIELD can know."

"I won't."

"I'll kick your ass."

"I know."

He collects his things and stands, walking quickly from the room, and then it's just me, standing alone and staring at the wall, wondering what is going to happen next.

_He's in his labs late that night, doing nothing more than staring absent mindedly around the room and thinking. He wants to talk to her, let her know that she's not alone because he knows what it's like, but he doesn't know how. No one has seen her all day and Bruce suspects she's hiding out in order to avoid any sort of confrontation. In his mind, Tony's questions had seemed rude and he admired her courage for answering them all without breaking down more. _

_ With a sigh, he glances one last time at the ceiling and leaves._

_ Clint is the person he finds when he steps off the elevator. He's sitting on the floor with his head leaned against the wall, knees bent and elbows resting on top of them so that his hands can cover his face. The door next to him is closed. Clint's eyes snap open when he hears the footsteps and offers up a weak smile and a greeting._

_ "How is she?" Bruce asks, nodding towards the closed door._

_ "Holding it together," he replies with a shrug. _

_ "Can I talk to her?"_

_ "Yeah, one sec," Clint says, standing up. "Tasha?" he calls as he knocks softly on the door._

_ A faint, "leave me alone," is the reply._

_ "Nat, Banner wants to talk to you." He pauses. "If you don't open the door, I'll kick it down and drag you out."_

_ There's a thud and what sounds like words that neither of them understand before the door opens. Her hair is a mess and both notice that her eyes are red and puffy, though neither says a word._

_ She arches an eyebrow at him. "What do you want?"_

_ "Um," he swallows, suddenly unsure of why he'd come in the first place. "I…I just wanted to let you know that if, if you ever wanted to talk, I'm here. The Other Guy, well…" he takes a deep breath before continuing. "I know how terrifying it is to…to lose control and –"_

_ "Are you scared of me?" she interrupts him._

_ Bruce and Clint both turn and stare at her. "Natasha, we're all scared of you," Bruce replies. Her head drops. "But we were scared of you before. You could kick all our asses without lifting a finger, but we don't think any differently of you." She looks up suddenly with a small smile. "So if you ever want to talk, I'm here."_

_ "Thanks, Bruce." Her smile grows a little. He returns it with a nod before heading back to the elevator. _

_ When it's just Clint and Natasha left standing there, Natasha lets herself cry. Clint says nothing but wraps his arms around her._

_ "Is it possible that, after all these years," she whispers into his shirt, "I've finally gone insane?"_

_ "You were insane from the beginning, Nat," Clint replies. "But aren't we all?"_


End file.
